OFFENDED

If you’re reading this then I have probably done something offensive. You probably woke up and turned on the news and saw me doing something that made you laugh, but then the more you thought about it, the more you thought, “Hey, wait a minute, that's actually pretty offensive.” Or maybe you saw something I said, did, or almost did. Then, as I was walking away and you thought I wasn’t going to go through with it but I turned around and totally did it. 

Which means I’ve offended you, and if that’s the case then I’m sorry. My bad. Whoopsies. These frequent offensive sprees are exactly why I have taken the time to list and apologize for other ways in which I may have morally crushed you. I want everyone to know that I’m learning from these mistakes and that sometimes I’ll even stay up late into the night just thinking about a mistake I’ve made, and what a good apology might be. So, without further ado, please forgive me for the following. 

Your Child

If I have offended your baby by saying he looks just like Steve Buscemi-- I’m talking, like, a modern day Steven Buscemi--then you have my sincerest apologies. If, in fact, he ever does grow up to look like Golden Globe, primetime Emmy award winning actor Steve Buscemi then I promise you won’t ever receive a side-by-side photo in the mail, comparing your child to Mr. Buscemi with the words, “I told you!” written on it. Or the words, “Sorry, I brought this up again.”

In Public

So, I’ve offended you in a public setting. Maybe I’ve made fun of how you always smell like garlic, or how you throw a baseball, or how when we’re walking down the street you always manage to tumble into a storm drain when I push you. Despite how many laughs I got, and no matter how many pedestrians, people in taxi cabs, and children on bikes stopped to laugh and point. Please know that I resent all that positive reinforcement to keep the joke going and, instead, say I’m sorry.

At Work

Is there anything more taboo than offending someone at work? Is this not something everyone knows? Apparently not, because I’ve offended you there. Maybe I’m talking about the time I  workshopped a funny joke and can’t help but point to that photo of your dog on your desk and say, “nice wife.” But then it turns out it   is your wife, and now I’m in the dog house (fired). 

Your Wedding

Well, it was your big day and I somehow managed to make it all about me. I mean, can I get any worse? I’m sorry if instead of my best man speech I took the time to ask everyone to donate to my gofundme. And for what? A couple rocket propelled roller skates? I just wanted to take this time to apologize and I sincerely, from the bottom of my heart, hope that you can hear me because these skates are super loud.

Family Dinner

Friends, family, that waiter with the wonky eye-- they were all witnesses to my offensive bombardment. I even surprised myself. I thought it was my job to bring miniature kazoos for the party, but who knew I was also bringing my smart-ass attitude. You and everyone else were merely unassuming pedestrians, going about your pointless little lives, completely unaware of the dozens of offensive bombshells and actual f-bombs I was about to drop. Who knew such foul things could be said while eating fajitas, especially during something as special as your daughter’s tacky quinceañera. Talk about uncalled for. All I have to say, in a funny spanish accent, is “I so sorry!”

Religion

They save never to poke fun a person’s religion but this is probably after I had some insensitive remarks about their stupid god. Regardless of what was said, it wasn’t funny. In fact, I promise you I came up with something even better as I was walking away, but you’ll never know because I’m sorry. 

There you have it. All my most recent offenses, and I hate to admit it but that’s just the beginning. I ask myself every day, when will the carnage end? Will I ever be able to go about my life without making fun of someone’s horse-like teeth, or how I’d rather drink poison than eat a close friend’s cooking. Who knows. All I know is that I’ll be saying sorry for a long time, or as those weirdo Canadians say, “Soar-ee.”