Ride-Alongs

You’ve all heard the criticism. People saying we’re too violent and that not every teen wearing a hoodie is a generically dressed murderer, but as officers of the law we have a certain set of values to uphold. So, I say we stick to our guns, and keep using them.

Which brings me to tonight’s primary topic: ride-alongs. Now, I know our numbers have plummeted over the past year. Apparently, everyone seems to “get the gist” of what we do as officers of the law. Except we all know, deep down, the only way to understand the life of a police officer is through a good old-fashioned ride-along, or one of our body cam videos after it’s been through iMovie.

Our job used to be sexy. It wasn’t that long ago when well-toned exotic dancers used to barge into people’s home swinging their own personal “magnums” around and announcing that the birthday girl as “under arrest.” Party goers would wait all night for their turn to be thrusted at. Now these very sex workers have undergone serious career changes and have now been reduced to dressing like firefighters. Firefighters. I mean, you’ve got to be kidding me. Who the hell has ever been sexually aroused by a firefighter?

If you know me, then you know some of my favorite memories on the job are from tackling unlawful citizens. A rush of patriotism surges through your body when you chase down someone who is jogging suspiciously. Which is why it’s such a shame our community’s only knowledge of what our job entails is from the ground, where they are currently being pinned.

Let’s cut to the chase, the bread and butter of any ride along, and the real reason anyone goes on one is the chance they might see a gun in action, and who can blame them? We can all agree we got into this line of work for the gun. I myself already had dozens of guns at home but not this particular gun. I guess I just thought the community had similar interests. That they too shared a curiosity for what happens when you fire a handgun at somebody. A concept most of us had no knowledge of prior to joining the force.

Moving forward, the department and I have decided to take affirmative action and hire actors to accompany officers while on duty in order to give off the impression that people aren’t terrified of us. Each ride along actor will be outfitted with a t-shirt that says, “I’m With the Good Guys” and, of course, a souvenir gun.