Thoughts I Assumed People Had Whenever I Got a Bad Haircut as a Kid

Girl I Had a Crush On: I was waiting until today to finally tell DiMaggio I liked him back. I had a whole speech planned out and everything. Then I saw his haircut and have now sworn a life of celibacy.

Science teacher: I don’t normally call on DiMaggio, after-all he typically pays attention in class. But after seeing his haircut, I’m going to call attention to him all day because I am mentally insane.

Friend: Technically speaking, I’m still DiMaggio’s friend. But when people ask if I am friends with “mushroom head” I force a laugh and deny ever knowing the guy.

Hairdresser: Despite being legally blind, I still managed to get this job at Supercuts. I don’t even have a helper or anything. It’s a miracle I get anything done because I almost never know who is sitting in the chair. It could be a child or a full-grown man, who knows! Not me, that’s for sure.

Bully: I myself have a pretty dumb haircut. It’s how I got into this business to begin with, but DiMaggio’s haircut takes the cake. Sometimes I feel bad about how frequently I pull his pants down in gym because the guy could really use a break. Then I see his haircut and I’m reminded why I do the work I do.

My Parents: It’s official, our son’s new haircut is perfect. We might just be the first parents in history to give their child a haircut they won’t be humiliated by when they look back at old photos.