"Dear Tenants”

We’ve received a lot of questions concerning some of our apartment fees. Given the amount of tenets we have, we consider it our duty to respond as quickly as we can. That being said, the emails have been piling up and, frankly, we are getting a little burnt out answering the same questions over and over again. 

So, here it goes: We just want your money.

Oh my god. It feels so good to get that off our chest. Anyways, we’re talking all of it. All your money. If you’re not bone dry, called in all your favors, and asked your parents for money kind of poor by the end of your stay here then we didn’t do our job. 

Originally, we had no intention of charging our tenants to pay pet rent. After all, it’s not like your shih-tzu has a job. But then we asked ourselves, What if they could get a job? What would that rent price be? And how could we inflate that.

And before you ask, yes, we have eyes. We are well aware that most households tend to have two vehicles. Everyone knows this, dude. But just as we were about to allow more spots per apartment-- we heard it. It called to us. That sweet, sweet sound of money.

“Only give them one spot,” said Sharon in Resident services, jumping up and down. “Then have them pay a one time fee if they want an extra space.” 

Then Stephen in maintenance interrupted with one of those big bull horns, “No,” he shouted. “A monthly charge… for the same price.” 

We all sort of lost it there.

You’re saying, “Wait, what about all those other fees?” You’re thinking, I’m already renting the apartment, why do I have to pay a move-in fee? See, you’re thinking like a poor person who doesn’t like money. Our guess is you have the same question about our move-out fee, and at that point we have to wonder if you’ve ever even heard of money.

Speaking of moving in, let’s talk about those initial fees, shall we? When you first apply for an apartment we require $15 in order to perform a background check and review your credit. And where do we get that $15? From the $95 you gave us originally. I mean, is any of this making sense to you?

So, you walk in and take in your new apartment in all its glory. Now, let’s just say that you didn’t like our apartment layout. In fact, let’s take a note from our online reviews and say you found it ‘depressing’ and felt like it had a real ‘lack of anything.’ Almost as if, ‘there’s literally just a toaster in here.’ That’s perfectly normal reaction. Now, let’s say, you want to put up some shelves, hang a painting or two-- by all means, go ahead! Our policy allows you to alter your apartment by using as many nails and drills as your little heart desires... for a price. Okay, now do you understand how we make an ass ton of money.

If by now you still can’t wrap your little brain around our everlasting thirst for that sweet, delicious coin, consider our ‘misplaced key’ policy. Sure, you pay a substantial amount of money to live here, but the moment you lose your gym, house, or pool key-- it’s over for you, pal. We don’t offer loss prevention insurance, we’re not the Sheraton. Instead, we put you in a $65 sleeper hold until you financially tap out. Oh, and here’s the kicker, it’s not even that much work to make another key. We literally have a machine that can make, like, a dozen in five minutes.

After the total and complete genocide of your bank account at least you’ll still have all that left over change in your car’s center console… Just kidding. Oh my god, we almost had you there, huh? Don’t forget, your thousands of dollars in rent goes to us in the form of our washer and dryers as well. Which means you gotta scavenge for those crusty quarters, walk down three flights of stairs, and prepare to spend upwards of $14 on a single load. Small disclaimer, “that guy” who keeps taking your clothes out of the dryer while they’re still damp? That’s us. 

Well, there it is. All laid out for you. We know our undeniable lust for cash could have a negative impact on your overall well-being, and we don't necessarily feel great about it. We think the feeling can best be described as relief. Specifically, relief that we aren’t you. In fact, we all have this joke going around that we wouldn't feel so bad about the whole thing if you guys were wealthy. But then we remember, the only rich people here are us, and then we feel a lot better about the whole thing.