Conan

Segments

Mike, the Time Traveling Horse

Mike is a centaur who has traveled back in time to warn Conan that 20 years from now humans have been genetically modified into half-horse, half-human hybrids. The hope was to remove any need for automobiles or airplanes by granting people the ability to run as a fast as a horse. Fortunately, Mike has brought some photographic evidence to prove his story true.

  • A photo of a centaur pulling a horse carriage down Hollywood Boulevard. A row of horse’s asses stick out the back. The side of the carriage has the Lyft logo.

  • A photo of a man whipping himself across the LA City Marathon finish line.

  • A runway show. Supermodel centaurs gallop across the stage, striking poses midair.

  • A group of children at a birthday party playing “pin the legs on the human.”

Suddenly, from behind the curtains, an engine begins to turn over. Mike’s time machine is preparing to return to the future. He must go! He trots away.

Before They Were Famous

Conan and Andy reminisce about the good old days. They both recall the humiliating commercials and the endless background guest appearances. Back then they took any gig they could get their hands on. Fortunately, some of that footage still exists.

Examples:

  • Andy playing a victim to a ferocious case of hernias for a commercial for Preparation H Wipes.

  • Conan as “Dunko the Clown.” The basketball clown for blind children. Dunko attends birthday parties for the visually impaired and entertains them by dunking on a four-foot tall rim.

  • Andy is a busy businessman, who relies on Zoelterschöchlertz Airlines for safe and efficient travel. Though, this commercial proved to be difficult for Andy as he continues to say the name incorrectly. “Zoo-lter-shertz” or “Zil-ter-schnootz”

  • Conan remembers the days as a child actor when he played an enthusiastic young boy who couldn’t wait to eat his favorite cereal in the morning, Taco Krunch—“The afternoon to mid-day food, in the morning! Now with Real carne asada! Yum!” Now in two crunches, soft and hard (The soft taco version is reminiscent of soup). During the commercial, the mascot Tómas the Taco stands behind Conan as he says “Muy bien!” into the camera. Followed by Conan choking on his soggy cereal.

Unlicensed Conan T-Shirts

During his monologue, Conan notices a man in the audience wearing a shirt with a cartoon depiction of Conan pulling down his pants, revealing a pair of glowing white ass cheeks. Disturbed by the image, Conan politely asks the man to remove his shirt. The man puts up a fight, but ultimately takes off the shirt—only to reveal yet another t-shirt blatantly mocking Conan. [We see, with every cut to the man, he is exchanging money with other audience members, selling the shirt he just removed.]

T-Shirts:

  • Conan as a turtle, stuck on his back

  • Conan floating in an inner tube in the ocean [Conan: “That one isn’t so bad”] On the back is a shark bursting through the water into the air. Conan’s inner tube is between the shark’s teeth.

  • Conan wearing a dunce cap while sitting in the corner of a classroom.

  • A piece of dog poop, hovering above it is a fly with Conan’s face on it.

  • Conan as the Coppertone girl

Talk Show Trivia!

Conan has been in the late night game for over 20 years, but the big question is: Can he remember any of it? In this segment, Andy will put Conan’s knowledge of the show’s biggest and smallest moments to the test by quizzing him in an A-B-C answer format, as well as a fill in the blank. Each question answered correctly will earn Conan one point, with the last question being worth five points.

Shopping Network Takeover

As Conan is about to take a seat, two women pushing a cart emerge from behind the curtain. They claim that they have reservations to use the set for their show. Conan reminds them they are currently taping and turns them away. The women turn their cart around while a sad violin plays in the background. Filled with guilt, Conan reluctantly allows them to tape five minutes and five minutes only. The women do a hard 180 and make their way to center stage where they begin to unpack their cart. Which, as it turns out, isn’t filled shopping network jewelry but instead with some of Conan’s most prized possessions. As soon as the camera locks onto them, a shopping network chyron appears on the bottom of the screen.