How Blake Griffin Became the First Player In NBA History to Trade His Soul to the Devil

Prior to his recent run with the Brooklyn Nets, Blake Griffin was incapable of dunking. The years of the glamorous “Lob City” dunks were nothing more than specks in his rearview mirror, and the power forward had little faith in returning to his prior physical state… that is until he met the devil himself. 

“He offered me a second chance,” said Griffin, holding back tears. “I’ll never forget it. It was easily the best decision I’ve ever made.”

We caught up with Satan while he was tending to his home garden in Bushwick and asked him about their first meeting. Griffin claims he ran into the devil at the gym during the late hours of the night.

“I wanted to get in some cardio, and he was using the only row machine,” said Satan, wearing a Switchfoot t-shirt (the irony not lost on him) tending to one of his many tomato vines. “Normally it can be pretty awkward to approach someone and ask when they’ll be done, but Blake had this super mellow vibe about him. I think I sensed that he seemed a bit down on himself, and years of feasting on those kind of souls told me he could use a friend.”

The two hit it off right away. Bonding over all the injuries the devil had inflicted on NBA athletes over the years. From Paul George’s compound fracture, to Klay Thompson’s ACL tear, to Carmelo Anthony’s divorce. It was during this very discourse that Griffin brought up his own injury.

“I told him I may have the opportunity to play on a ‘superteam’, but that I probably won’t be of much use due to my knees.”

This struck a chord with the devil. 

“The time in which I torment a soul can vary. Sometimes if I’m in a flow I can do it for the rest of their lives, other times it’s just an afternoon. It all kinda depends on the creative juices that day, you know?” said the devil. “By then I figured I had given him a hard enough time, career wise. I mean the guy got traded to Detroit of all places. Literally hell on earth. And I should know, I have a timeshare there.”

Later in the afternoon, the devil invited us into his home for spiked Arnold Palmers and offered more insight on Griffin’s career, “I heard what he was doing during the shootarounds and I couldn’t help feeling sorry for him,” said the devil referring to Griffin offering fans $400 and a deflated, signed basketball in an effort to keep them from videoing his warm up routine. 

“It was all I could offer. I didn’t want the world to know I couldn’t dunk anymore,” muttered Griffin. “It was just too hard to bear.” 

After the two met, a week passed and Griffin received a phone call one late afternoon. It was the devil.

“I had this benefit down in the sixth ring where I was able to talk to some demons. You know, really test the waters and lo and behold Blake’s soul was still in high demand,” said the devil. “Wealthy guys down there love trading vintage signed souls-- it’s a whole economy in itself.”

In exchange for his soul, the devil offered Blake renewed knees, granting him the ability to dunk again as well as a slight increase in his jump shot proficiency. The devil was also generous enough to make Griffin the host of a prank show on TruTv (according to the devil he also owed them a favor as well). To Griffin, the decision couldn’t have been more simple, he signed immediately. 

“As soon as it was done, he ran upstairs, grabbed his gym bag and headed to the court,” said the devil, pouring himself another Arnold Palmer. “I’ve never seen someone so happy, especially after giving me their soul. Normally they have this glazed look in their eye, where they sort of question the reality of the situation, you know? Not Blake. Nope. Guy couldn’t be happier to be soulless.”

After the most recent NBA season, Griffin was reportedly pleased with his performance throughout the play-offs. Claiming, other than the lack of empathy towards homeless people, stray cats, and people on dialysis, he “hardly even noticed” he didn’t have a soul.